Saturday, May 5, 2012
The working stay at home mom
Life in the day of me. ;) my alarm (his name is Bryson) goes off at 6:10 pretty much every morning. I spend the next 45 minutes or so nursing between the two babies. Then I change diapers and get them in their high chairs for breakfast. I check in with the older kids to make sure they are on track to leave on time, one in particular. I make sure they have homework and lunches and instruments. I double check nothing needs signed. I wash the babies and put them down to play. I kiss the older kids goodbye and they leave for school with my super boyfriend and babies dad. :) then I get dressed, brush my teeth while double checking my diaper bag for snacks and lunches and of course diapers. I put on some flip flops, and buckle my babes into their seats before rushing with them to the car. Chances err by tis time we are running late. When we get to the office, I schlepp the babies and the stuff we need inside. Our day is filled with paperwork, phones, angry people, bookkeeping, nursing oh so much nursing, toys, sometimes doctors appointments and various other things that aren't coming to mind right now. Most of the time I have at least one baby on my lap and one or both is regularly trying to get into something they I wish they wouldn't. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes it's while I am on the phone or trying to help someone at the counter. Sometimes they make a mess. Sometimes they argue over toys. Sometimes I think if my arms could just be empty for a minute I would feel so much better. Sometimes three o clock cannot come soon enough. At three we go get the older kids. We go home and do homework, play outside, cook dinner(hopefully we don't need to shop for this) give baths, and fall into bed. Some days we add math is cool, school concerts, after school sports, the park, visiting grandma(hopefully not all the same day.) could I put the kids and babies in daycare? Probably. Do I want to? No. I would miss too many things and they would learn too many things I don't want them to. regularly people ask how I manage to have so many children and volunteer and breast feed and work. My answer is, don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. Sometimes I run late. Sometimes I forget things. Sometimes we have McDonald's. Sometimes the dishes aren't done. Sometimes I miss PTA. It's all ok in the grand scheme of things. Nobody will remember the day I accidentally scheduled a carpet shapooer at the office for the same time I was supposed to coach math is cool except for me and one day I wont feel quite so guilty anymore....
Life as we know it
I came to a realization and the more I thought about it the more it made sense. I know my realization won't be very popular but hopefully it causes the right people to think about how things are. It seems to me that the rise in mental health problems can be linked to one thing in particular that for whatever reason nobody looks at or maybe nobody wants to. People are searching for causes in vaccines, plastics, and shampoos. Maybe they are right. Maybe the issues are much closer to home.
Somewhere along the way this idea was formed that women had to prove they were equal to men and deserved to do the same things as men. I am not disputing this. Women and men are equal and women are just as capable as men. The problem is, the farther this was pushed something important was forgotten. Before all this started, women weren't forced to take care of their children and their houses. They did it because they wanted to care for their families and it felt intuitively right to them. Now women are allowing their intuition to be replaced by what's easier or what other people tell them is right.
When women started working regularly outside the home it caused many complications. I am not disputing a women's right to work if she desires or needs to. Maybe the man should take care of the children and household responsibilities? Maybe for some houses this works best. Maybe some houses have only one parent or needs two incomes. I do not even think there is anything wrong with choosing to have two working parents because it's what you like. I am only looking at what this causes.
Let's start with what happens to the mother: mothers used to have very full and long days. They consisted of things like cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping, running errands, entertaining company, raising children. These things kept them busy and tired and their plates full. These by the way are important things. Then added to that was; things like PTA, soccer, ballet, mathletes, baking for the bake sale, organizing fundraisers, volunteering in class, going on field trips, helping with homework outside what they learned in school(even of they were well educated), and making costumes for the school play. I am sure I have missed some things here. Then a forty plus work week was eventually added in. Moms are suddenly doing three peoples jobs instead of one. They are overwhelmed and exhausted. Their children are spending more time with other people than with them. They are depressed and stressed out and many of them have little or no help.
Now there's the dads. They used to spend their days working. Hard. They came home tired and they rested. Now because the moms have too many things on their plates, the things dads didn't used to do a lot of have been added to their day. They are also carpooling to soccer and ballet. They are picking kids up from school. They are grocery shopping and they are trying to squeeze in field trips and also help with the housework. The dads are also overwhelmed and frustrated. As a couple there isn't as much time to grow your relationship. Not as much time to love each other. They forget why they loved each other to begin with. They become frustrated with each other because each is so overwhelmed and each needs more help from the other and each feels they are giving as much as they can give.
There is less time for sleep and for cooking. There is less healthy food being eaten as a result and less family meals. Children are not learning things they learned before like how to cook, and how to raise kids because they aren't seeing it. They are not able to properly attach. They spend so much less time with their parents. They can try to attach to their day care teacher but every year or so they are moved to a new class. Many kids go home in time to have dinner and shower and bed. Older kids may squeeze in homework. They are forced to adjust to a new set of rules, expectations, and disciplines every time they switch classes. More kids are experiencing divorces and dating and discord between their parents. They are not learning to work through relationship struggles. They are not learning to make choices that hold their family together and benefit it. They are learning to make choices to benefit themselves.
It can be questioned why it makes more sense for women to stay home and not men. All I can say is it makes more sense to me. Women and children are biologically connected. Mommies make milk for their babies and magic kisses for their children's boo boos. Maybe to you it makes more sense for dads to stay home. I don't dispute that. My thought is that someone needs to. Obviously I haven't done any long term studies or comparisons but it seems to me that people were more relaxed, comfortable, intuitive and generally happy before two parents worked outside the home. Your thought may be that both parents need to work; my question is: didn't they always?
Somewhere along the way this idea was formed that women had to prove they were equal to men and deserved to do the same things as men. I am not disputing this. Women and men are equal and women are just as capable as men. The problem is, the farther this was pushed something important was forgotten. Before all this started, women weren't forced to take care of their children and their houses. They did it because they wanted to care for their families and it felt intuitively right to them. Now women are allowing their intuition to be replaced by what's easier or what other people tell them is right.
When women started working regularly outside the home it caused many complications. I am not disputing a women's right to work if she desires or needs to. Maybe the man should take care of the children and household responsibilities? Maybe for some houses this works best. Maybe some houses have only one parent or needs two incomes. I do not even think there is anything wrong with choosing to have two working parents because it's what you like. I am only looking at what this causes.
Let's start with what happens to the mother: mothers used to have very full and long days. They consisted of things like cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping, running errands, entertaining company, raising children. These things kept them busy and tired and their plates full. These by the way are important things. Then added to that was; things like PTA, soccer, ballet, mathletes, baking for the bake sale, organizing fundraisers, volunteering in class, going on field trips, helping with homework outside what they learned in school(even of they were well educated), and making costumes for the school play. I am sure I have missed some things here. Then a forty plus work week was eventually added in. Moms are suddenly doing three peoples jobs instead of one. They are overwhelmed and exhausted. Their children are spending more time with other people than with them. They are depressed and stressed out and many of them have little or no help.
Now there's the dads. They used to spend their days working. Hard. They came home tired and they rested. Now because the moms have too many things on their plates, the things dads didn't used to do a lot of have been added to their day. They are also carpooling to soccer and ballet. They are picking kids up from school. They are grocery shopping and they are trying to squeeze in field trips and also help with the housework. The dads are also overwhelmed and frustrated. As a couple there isn't as much time to grow your relationship. Not as much time to love each other. They forget why they loved each other to begin with. They become frustrated with each other because each is so overwhelmed and each needs more help from the other and each feels they are giving as much as they can give.
There is less time for sleep and for cooking. There is less healthy food being eaten as a result and less family meals. Children are not learning things they learned before like how to cook, and how to raise kids because they aren't seeing it. They are not able to properly attach. They spend so much less time with their parents. They can try to attach to their day care teacher but every year or so they are moved to a new class. Many kids go home in time to have dinner and shower and bed. Older kids may squeeze in homework. They are forced to adjust to a new set of rules, expectations, and disciplines every time they switch classes. More kids are experiencing divorces and dating and discord between their parents. They are not learning to work through relationship struggles. They are not learning to make choices that hold their family together and benefit it. They are learning to make choices to benefit themselves.
It can be questioned why it makes more sense for women to stay home and not men. All I can say is it makes more sense to me. Women and children are biologically connected. Mommies make milk for their babies and magic kisses for their children's boo boos. Maybe to you it makes more sense for dads to stay home. I don't dispute that. My thought is that someone needs to. Obviously I haven't done any long term studies or comparisons but it seems to me that people were more relaxed, comfortable, intuitive and generally happy before two parents worked outside the home. Your thought may be that both parents need to work; my question is: didn't they always?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
This is how we became the Brandiebunch
Sometimes life doesn't go quite as planned but most of the time, when I look back at the end of it all, the detour took me somewhere amazing. I had been divorced for over a year and suddenly realized that I was really ready to start again. No more dating people that I know are not for me before I even meet them. Dating was this complex maze of scheduling. I was determined that my kids not be around anyone I was dating unless I knew he was "the one". My ex husband was and still is, well.... how he is and as a result I have them most of them time. This made getting to know someone very complicated. There were several guys who gave up before I could even fit in a second date. This wasn't something I was willing to budge on. I met a parade of men and women growing up that weren't my mom or dad's s/o for more than a minute so I know how that feels.
Mostly as a joke, I posted an ad that said, "Lets skip the dating part and go right to forever" I didn't realize how many other people out there wanted a complete life that was full of unwavering and unconditional commitment and wasn't interested in frivolous dating with people that they didn't miss after they were gone.
One reply came that touched my heart. I knew as I replied that I needed this person and he needed me and the hope would be that once he didn't need me anymore, we still liked each other. I knew that starting this type of relationship was playing with fire and that the potential for two people to get hurt was really high. I guess I have the its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all so I went for it.
You know the instant I saw him, I knew he was the one for me and I mean I knew. I argued with myself. I told me that he was unavailable and that it was too soon and that my loneliness was playing tricks on me but almost two years later, I suppose my intuition, like normal, knew what it was talking about. :)
We began squeezing as much time in with each other as we could and in a shorter time than I would like to admit, I caved and introduced him and his kids to mine. We went to the park together. I was really impressed with how easy our family blending seemed to be. Of course every day since then has not been sunshine and roses but at least, there has been an every day since then and my kids have not had to experience the loss of a boyfriend.
We talked about whether we wanted more children. I had 2 girls and a boy and he had 2 boys. This seemed like a full house to me. (pun intended) We both decided that we were full and began with making long-term birth control plans. Who would have guessed that in spite of our best efforts, we would find ourselves pregnant.
Another thing I hate to admit is, I was mortified. The thought of having more children in our household seemed overwhelming and expensive and exhausting and I just couldn't quite come to terms with the fact that there would be another.
Then shocker number 2: At the first ultrasound, I looked at the screen and saw two little circles side by side. Now I know it had been a long time since my last ultrasound, but I was pretty sure this wasn't right. Seriously???? There were two in there????? Seriously?
Now I know there are those of you who will condemn that. You will think that I should have been overjoyed at the prospect of having twins or any babies for that matter, no matter what the circumstance. That's fine. You can think I am lacking maternal instincts or that I am a horrible person but that wont change the fact that every part of my being was determined to protect those little babies growing inside of me and regardless of whether I wanted them or not, they were going to get here as safely as possible. There would be nothing going into my body or around my body that could be detrimental to them and they would listen to me sing them and talk to them and their sisters and brothers as well.
It continued to get complicated from there because of course if something is hard it must get harder. Does anyone know why this is? Towards the end of my first trimester, my daughters came home from school with 5th disease and of course I couldn't have been one of the majority of people who had already had it so I caught it. This was very scary to me. It could mean serious ramifications for my little babies :( I was also concerned with the fact that they have to monitor the babies regularly to watch for signs that they have contracted it from me. If in fact they did, the mortality rate is really high and the best chance to save them would be to catch it sooner rather than later. It seems that so many ultrasounds must not be good for my babies but when I weighed this against the alternative that they would die if they contracted it and became anemic and were untreated.
Thankfully, they did not contract it. :) Next I got Whooping cough which wasn't dangerous to my precious babes but not something you want to do while pregnant. I promise. Then I got the flu. Would you believe that I never get sick. Never catch anything from my kids. Suddenly I am hit with three things in three months. So life goes.
Then at 16 weeks, I started having contractions to add to the bleeding I had the whole time. I was sure I was gonna lose them and suddenly I realized that I loved them, needed them and wanted them and had for sometime. Who would have thought that my plans could change so dramatically. What was important to me could be modified. What I needed and wanted could be altered so drastically from just a few weeks before. I began bed rest which I followed! I did nothing. It was hard to lay on the couch while someone else cooked for my kids. Someone else tucked them into bed. Someone else cleaned my bathtub.
I couldn't imagine doing that for 20 more weeks. I hated it. I knew that if there was any chance of keeping those babes in there, that it would require rest and hydration so I tried my best to accomplish this. The sad fact is that looking back I wish I could have had 20 weeks of bed rest. I would even settle for 15. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts; my water broke at 29 weeks and that was all she wrote. They tried their best at the hospital to stop my labor. Everyone knew that it was way too early. We weren't prepared for that and hadn't even had the steroid shots to strengthen their lungs. Ultimately, ready or not, here they come.
Rosabella was born weighing in at 2 pounds 12 ounces and her younger brother Bryson came into this world at 3 pounds. We have many things to be thankful for. Given the gestation and the lack of any help to these babies, they did remarkably well and were amazingly healthy. Don't let me confuse you. We did our time at the NICU but that is part of a different chapter of our story. This is the end of chapter one because now our household has become some crazy, noisy, fun, interesting, modern day form of the Brady Bunch with Devan, Christopher, Logan, Brenna-Leigh, Sadie, Rosabella and Bryson.
Mostly as a joke, I posted an ad that said, "Lets skip the dating part and go right to forever" I didn't realize how many other people out there wanted a complete life that was full of unwavering and unconditional commitment and wasn't interested in frivolous dating with people that they didn't miss after they were gone.
One reply came that touched my heart. I knew as I replied that I needed this person and he needed me and the hope would be that once he didn't need me anymore, we still liked each other. I knew that starting this type of relationship was playing with fire and that the potential for two people to get hurt was really high. I guess I have the its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all so I went for it.
You know the instant I saw him, I knew he was the one for me and I mean I knew. I argued with myself. I told me that he was unavailable and that it was too soon and that my loneliness was playing tricks on me but almost two years later, I suppose my intuition, like normal, knew what it was talking about. :)
We began squeezing as much time in with each other as we could and in a shorter time than I would like to admit, I caved and introduced him and his kids to mine. We went to the park together. I was really impressed with how easy our family blending seemed to be. Of course every day since then has not been sunshine and roses but at least, there has been an every day since then and my kids have not had to experience the loss of a boyfriend.
We talked about whether we wanted more children. I had 2 girls and a boy and he had 2 boys. This seemed like a full house to me. (pun intended) We both decided that we were full and began with making long-term birth control plans. Who would have guessed that in spite of our best efforts, we would find ourselves pregnant.
Another thing I hate to admit is, I was mortified. The thought of having more children in our household seemed overwhelming and expensive and exhausting and I just couldn't quite come to terms with the fact that there would be another.
Then shocker number 2: At the first ultrasound, I looked at the screen and saw two little circles side by side. Now I know it had been a long time since my last ultrasound, but I was pretty sure this wasn't right. Seriously???? There were two in there????? Seriously?
Now I know there are those of you who will condemn that. You will think that I should have been overjoyed at the prospect of having twins or any babies for that matter, no matter what the circumstance. That's fine. You can think I am lacking maternal instincts or that I am a horrible person but that wont change the fact that every part of my being was determined to protect those little babies growing inside of me and regardless of whether I wanted them or not, they were going to get here as safely as possible. There would be nothing going into my body or around my body that could be detrimental to them and they would listen to me sing them and talk to them and their sisters and brothers as well.
It continued to get complicated from there because of course if something is hard it must get harder. Does anyone know why this is? Towards the end of my first trimester, my daughters came home from school with 5th disease and of course I couldn't have been one of the majority of people who had already had it so I caught it. This was very scary to me. It could mean serious ramifications for my little babies :( I was also concerned with the fact that they have to monitor the babies regularly to watch for signs that they have contracted it from me. If in fact they did, the mortality rate is really high and the best chance to save them would be to catch it sooner rather than later. It seems that so many ultrasounds must not be good for my babies but when I weighed this against the alternative that they would die if they contracted it and became anemic and were untreated.
Thankfully, they did not contract it. :) Next I got Whooping cough which wasn't dangerous to my precious babes but not something you want to do while pregnant. I promise. Then I got the flu. Would you believe that I never get sick. Never catch anything from my kids. Suddenly I am hit with three things in three months. So life goes.
Then at 16 weeks, I started having contractions to add to the bleeding I had the whole time. I was sure I was gonna lose them and suddenly I realized that I loved them, needed them and wanted them and had for sometime. Who would have thought that my plans could change so dramatically. What was important to me could be modified. What I needed and wanted could be altered so drastically from just a few weeks before. I began bed rest which I followed! I did nothing. It was hard to lay on the couch while someone else cooked for my kids. Someone else tucked them into bed. Someone else cleaned my bathtub.
I couldn't imagine doing that for 20 more weeks. I hated it. I knew that if there was any chance of keeping those babes in there, that it would require rest and hydration so I tried my best to accomplish this. The sad fact is that looking back I wish I could have had 20 weeks of bed rest. I would even settle for 15. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts; my water broke at 29 weeks and that was all she wrote. They tried their best at the hospital to stop my labor. Everyone knew that it was way too early. We weren't prepared for that and hadn't even had the steroid shots to strengthen their lungs. Ultimately, ready or not, here they come.
Rosabella was born weighing in at 2 pounds 12 ounces and her younger brother Bryson came into this world at 3 pounds. We have many things to be thankful for. Given the gestation and the lack of any help to these babies, they did remarkably well and were amazingly healthy. Don't let me confuse you. We did our time at the NICU but that is part of a different chapter of our story. This is the end of chapter one because now our household has become some crazy, noisy, fun, interesting, modern day form of the Brady Bunch with Devan, Christopher, Logan, Brenna-Leigh, Sadie, Rosabella and Bryson.
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